Bah Humbug!

I find myself being a real Scrooge this Christmas. Any suggestions?

Huh?

What do I do with a kid who writes "I have also lettered in acedimics" under honors and awards on their application?

I Had Another Dream

In this fun fantasy I am the guardian of a magical penguin named Marcel. Unfortunately for me and Marcel we live in San Francisco and a huge tsunami hits burying the city. No worries though, Marcel is magical remember and he just alters every one's DNA so that we can all live underwater.

I spend the rest of the dream marveling at how people are living half in and out of the water. A man in glasses bikes by just under the surface completely oblivious to the fact that his whole reality has just been changed. I then start to freak out because my cute little buddy Marcel is packing some seriously cool powers which means I am seriously in over my head (no pun intended) protecting him. Marcel cheers me up by taking me to surf the ice caps together. Just me and my magical penguin Marcel taking on the entire atlantic ocean.

What have I Become?

For my lunch break today, I went home and cleaned the kitchen. And it brought me joy and a deep sense of peace and satisfaction. Anyone?

A Christmas Miracle

I made it into the fantasy football playoffs after sitting at last in the league for 4 weeks!

Thank you Marques Colston and the powers that be!!

Celebrating the Small Things

There are so many reasons to be negative today; especially with my own critical inner voice adding to the constant drone of wordly downers.

So I've decided to give myself some reasons to be positive. Instead of focusing on all the ways today fell short of my expectations I'm going to celebrate a few of the small (but big to me!) successes of the day. Yay me! And thank you Jesus for all your love at the heart of everything good and bad.

Today I:

Ate two well balanced meals
Asked for help
Went off the beaten track and was rewarded with lunch in the park
Didn't give up. Four times didn't give up.
Was friendly
Went out on a limb for, and was blessed by, a total stranger
Asked for what I wanted and took steps to get it
Had fun
Tried something new
Laughed

I hope you take some time to celebrate your successes too! You might be surprised by how many are there waiting to be appreciated.

p.s. Driving a Chevy Malibu in No. Cal. is like pushing a boat through sand; Johnny Depp style.

A Good Laugh

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/study_finds_working_at_work

A Revelation

I think I've figured out a way to minimize my stress in the future. Next year, instead of reading every application and trying to objectively decide who's in based on all our subjective data, we'll just admit the first 500 students who apply regardless of any other factors. I think this will not only save us time and energy but it will spice up campus life as well! Who's with me?

Swamped

Unread application files loom over me like imposing sky scrapers or waist high noxious weeds while I futilely make phone call after phone call to California High Schools in an attempt to plan my next two weeks of travel. Meanwhile hostile e-mails pour in as anxious students await my decision.

Will they be welcomed into our warm friendly womb-like community or be heartlessly cut loose into the unfriendly sea of wait listed students? The numbers of students left in limbo continues to rise and swell with everyday that passes.

I am only too happy to oblige them and give the all final ruling if only I could fend of the constant attack of visitors, interviews and paperwork long enough to sit down and read one application. I won't even mention the upcoming opportunity for public humiliation that is cleverly masquerading as a favor to my boss.

I need a day. In my bed. With sappy movies and cups of chamomile and peppermint tea. And maybe a friend. A silent and snugly, preferably male and attractive friend. Maybe then I will feel up to the task.

A Dinosaur's Take on Social Justice

http://www.qwantz.com/

Chinese Bamboo Torture

I learned once (I can't remember how or why so don't ask) that bamboo has been used in the Chinese culture as a tool of torture. One particularly painful form of torture involves placing shoots of bamboo underneath the victim's fingernails. As the bamboo grows, pain ensues.

This sounds pretty painful. However, I think I have brilliantly discovered an equally painful alternative method that can be used should bamboo not be readily available. Instead of putting bamboo under the fingernails, torturers should put acrylic on the finger nails, allow them to dry for a week or so and then have the prisoners rip them off without the aid of any useful tools.

I inadvertently discovered this torture method last night when I opted to remove my own fake nails in order to save money. OUCH!

My Bed

There is something uniquely healing and comforting about sleeping in your own bed.

I don't even have a real bed and the one I do have is incredibly uncomfortable. I wake up every morning with moderate back pain caused by metal bars digging into my back at uneven angles while I sleep. It's like lying on monkey bars with only a worn out sleeping bag serving as a buffer.

And yet, I am infinitely overjoyed to be home sleeping in this bed. Why? Because it is mine.

I Almost Forgot

Happy Halloween!

Drunken Noodle

A poem in honor of my time in Eugene

I am Phad Se Ew seated across from you
Tucked away.
In a corner booth by the window
because of the light.

Hungry?
Kahlua Cheesecake, Minthe Gelato and a box of Hot Tamales
I am Dracula

Early morning coffee
Lemonade
Free drinks
So I do
There's a soy margarine raptor in my oatmeal
I am thirsty and I ache
Through the window I notice that it's a tequila sunset

Silliness
Musical partners in 3 person cranium
Would you P-H-M-M mucho burrito
It is Y and I am finally H
We stay up late whispering secrets into the night

Tofu scramble and a heart unburdened
I sit across from you in the corner window seat
Always the window seat
And I miss you

True or False...

Love and suffering are inextricably linked.

Please support your answer.

Red Head Review

One of the best perks about my job is that I get to drive around great cars for free. Well, technically someone is paying for them. I'm not the one who gets the bill though so that counts as free right?

So far I have had the privilege of driving four very different, and much fancier than I will ever own in real life, vehicles. You will find my review of them below.

Ratings are based on a scale of 1-5 stars*

Silver 2007 Pontiac G6
***
Great for California driving. Fast, fun and easy to maneuver. Handles curves at high speeds like a champ. Unfortunately the placement of the car frame turns changing lanes into a Russian roulette style gamble.

Midnight Blue 2007 Nissan Sentra
*****
I love this car! It is stylish, sexy and drives like a dream. Great visibility and lots of fun bells and whistles that make traveling long distances not only manageable but enjoyable.

Periwinkle 2007 Dodge Caliber
*
This car looks like it would be fun to drive but don't be fooled. It's a death trap on wheels. Poor visibility, terrible traction and confusing mechanics that can result in many a near collision. It's also impossible to store anything in this car since the hatchback design screams "please smash my windows and take everything". Pretty but don't touch.

Red 2007 Ford Fusion
***
Reliable, attractive and easy to handle. A little slow to speed up and not good on hills. A subtle choice but still quality.

Midnight Mystery

I was lying in bed late the other night going through my usual nightly routine of looking up comedians on you tube when lo and behold, there was a knock at the door. I ignored it, being in a pajamad and exhausted state. But then, the doorbell rang which woke up the dog who began barking which woke up the roommate who poked her head into the hall looking as befuddled and disgruntled as I felt. After ascertaining that neither of us was expecting company we agreed NOT to answer the door. Mystery Creepy Person must have heard us whispering though because they began banging insistently on the door. My karate expert housemate braved a look through the peep hole at this point and reported back that there was no one there. We returned to our respective beds thoroughly creeped out for a night of restless sleep. Any helpful or creative theories on what might have occurred that could help ease my mind?

It's Just For Fun

http://www.ocala.com/stagnant/redhead/facts.html?nocache=1

Be sure to check out the proverbs.

A Typical Day On the Road

5:00 am: Wake up
6:00 am: Check out and load up car
6:15 am: Coffee and possibly breakfast
6:30 am: Drive to next town
8:00-9:00 am: First High School Visit
9:30-10:30 am: Second High School Visit
11 am-12 pm: Third High School Visit
12:15-1:15 pm: Lunch at the nearest, fastest food place.
1:30-3:30 pm: Fourth High School Visit
3:45 pm: Check in to hotel. Throw bags in the room. Lay on the bed taking deep breaths for 15 minutes
4 pm: Change into suit and freshen up
4:30 pm: Leave for College Fair
5:00 pm: Set up table at the fair
6-9 pm: College Fair
9-11 pm: Diner with other Reps
11:30 pm: Return to hotel and wind down.
Midnight: Sleep so as to be prepared to start over again the next day

Variations on this include:
Driving in place of High School Visits 2 & 4
Less school visits or no night fair
Getting lost :)

And I though California Drivers Were Scary

Portland is definitely worse. High speeds, neurotic lane changes and bad signage. It's the 10 different streets heading in 10 different directions with the same names that really mess me up. I can handle fast and even neurotic on occasion but confusing me with weird streets when my directions are perfectly logical makes me really angry.

My Own Personal Hell

I occasionally get migraine headaches. They are usually brought on by lack of sleep, dehydration, stress or waiting too long to eat food. Every once in a great while, however, they come upon me violently, without warning and for no particular reason. Such was the case yesterday when I had 4 hours of driving, a college fair and some high school visits to do. When these particularly nasty spells occur I always find myself, head over toilet bowl, convinced that were I to visit hell, it would consist mainly of endless migraines accompanied by nausea and hopelessness. Thank God I don't have to endure that kind of pain for eternity!

Untitled

I had a dream last night. In the dream I am talking on the phone to the man I love while driving through twisted forest roads. Suddenly, he appears. Overjoyed, I try to run to him but we are separated by glass and all I can do is press my hand up to the pane where his palm faces mine. I am hurt by his calm face and ashamed of my transparent emotions. I turn away and he leaves me; walking away down the wrong path to the place we are supposed to be staying together. The line goes dead. I am angry at him for leaving me and for going the wrong way but I am more afraid of being alone than I am angry so I abandon my family and run after him. All the while I feel guilty because I know this rocky path is the wrong way and that I should let him go, but I can't. I am afraid that if I don't follow him I will lose him forever. He hears me and turns to look back. As soon as our eyes meet I see that I have lost him already.

Evil Weevil

I came home from work today famished and eagerly anticipating a yummy meal of mac and cheese.

My anticipation grew to giddy excitement as I painstakingly cooked my favorite spiral noodles to perfection. Excitement grew to frenzied desperation by the time the seasoning was added but I forced my self to wait as the sauce thickened because I didn't want to sacrifice quality in my haste to quel the growing hunger pangs. As I took my first bite I was glad I had waited. The noodles were perfect, the cheesy sauce was perfect, the comfy couch on which I reclined to watch my fantasy football team rack up points was perfect. Everything was perfect.

That is until I took a great big bite of weevil.

Organic canned rice and beans, while preferable to munching worm like beetles as a source of complete protein, fall sadly short in the enjoyment category of tonight's meal venture.

Welcome

It's official. I've joined the trend. And just in time since my traveling adventures begin next weekend.

Bon voyage!